Life and Times of AlieMalie

Stolen from Julia because I’m just too tired to think … rather, too tired to think up something coherent to write – I’m most definitely thinking though. Damn thinking!

Admiring: John Edwards because even though I really, really wanted to vote for him, he’s pulled out because he doesn’t want to be a spoiler in the democrat’s race for the nomination – for once, someone in politics thinking of something other than themselves. Gah! Who to pull for now?

Beating myself up about: Letting anxiety get the better of me.

Crying over: I cried today because the orchestra I was conducting totally came together – tears of joy. They sounded fantastic.

Daydreaming about: Oh, 3 guesses and the first 2 don’t count!

Frustrated because: I’m here and not there.

Grumpy because: Cedars are in full bloom, as are my sinuses.

Hate-filled and seething over: Hrm, not really hate filled or seething at the moment.

Just shoot me now because: No, please don’t!

Kidding myself regarding: Being able to just get over things. I tend to wig out more than I let on.

Listening to: The hum of a computer.

Mooning over: Oh, I dunno. A certain guy perhaps?!

Need: For March to be here sooner rather than later – concerts and friends and travel, OH MY!

Obsessing over: *snort* Oh, I dunno, take a wild guess.

Praying: For snow!

Questioning: Everything. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS QUESTION EVERYTHING!

Reading: Not enough books – need to read more books!

Singing: Not singing at the moment – not in my car with the iPod cranked up at the moment, something about computers and driving not mixing? Yea, that and blogging and driving.

Trying: To maintain balance.

Unnerved by: People who are so sad and have no idea how to pull themselves up out of said sadness.

Valentiney Update: Whateves. Maybe? It’ll be a month late? Hopefully.

Wondering: More like day dreaming.

X-rated action: I don’t kiss and tell!

Yawning over: The fact that it’s almost 10 and I’m dead tired.

Zoinks: What? I prefer boing!

So yea, I had a great time this past weekend but long story short? I hate not knowing where the boundaries are when interacting with someone. I know where I stand with my friends, I know where I stand with my family. I don’t know where I stand with him. Like I’ve said time and time before, we always have a fantastic time when we’re together and this past weekend was no exception – aside from the migraine, but hey, it allowed me to stay an extra day where we spent the entire, yes, ENTIRE, day being beyond lazy, laying in bed and talking about whatever it is that we talk about for 8 hours straight. Then we went to dinner, talked some more, returned, watched some tv, went to bed and talked for a few more hours. Really.

talk talk talk talk talk.

If any of you even remotely know me, y’all know I like to talk. The crazy thing? I don’t do most of the talking when we’re hanging out together – he actually out-talks me. But that’s ok, I enjoy listening to him because he has some really interesting things to say and some hillarious stories. Total charmer.

But I don’t know when I’ll see him next – though I’ll have to at some point in time seeing that genius here forgot her winter coat at his place. HONEST TO GOD FORGOT! I wasn’t trying to plant something and leave it behind as an excuse. Because, hello? It’s still winter and I need said coat. Oh well. We’ll see. Then there’s the off chance that we’ll see him in a month and a half at a concert. But that’s up in the air – but it was brought up by him after I mentioned it in passing. Brought up days later, I mean, so obviously he’s paying attention and filing things away in that brain of his. And yet, we’re still just friends. I wish I could think like a guy to better understand where it is that we stand. I know what he’s told me, but then I get mixed signals and we haven’t had the friend conversation in a couple of months and things seem to be more comfortable? I don’t know. Do you spend an entire weekend with just a friend and lounge around in your pjs in bed all day long and talk about fears and hopes and whatever else happens to go skipping through your brain at that moment?

My brain? It is getting close to almost exploding. My stomach is in knots. I like him a lot. A lot. A lot. I suppose that I should just keep on this track that I’m on with regards to him because I wouldn’t change the times that I’ve spent with him in the past to save the world, they’re always absolutely fabulous. Normally I think I would’ve tried to smother him and push him away but so far I’ve kept my space and given him his and while I wish I could talk with and see him more often, I do actually enjoy my space quite a bit. I also think it makes the time we do spend together nice because it’s not something that happens all the time. To whom it may concern, this whole learning to not take things for granted lesson is working out.

That brings up another subject that I’ve been thinking about. This is the first guy that I’ve had feelings for in nearly three years. Well, two years if you count the reignition of a flame for the guy I knew in Montréal, but whatever. The first guy I’ve madly crushed on in a long time. Maybe I’ve matured where I can handle myself better? I think I have. While I do have moments of sheer terror because my inner control freak is all, WHERE ARE WE GOING? I DON’T KNOW WHERE WE’RE GOING! ALERT ALERT ALERT!!! CODE RED! SHUT DOWN ALL BUT ESSENTIAL OPERATIONS!!! another part of my personality is just playing it cool, talking my control freak off the ledge, and just taking things as they come. Do y’all know how big of a step that is for me? While I know this post seems like I’m really frustrated – and I am, I won’t deny it – I’m able to focus on other things in my life and not let myself become completely and utterly obsessed by this. Yea, I think about it quite a bit, but I AM able to distance myself from everything and tell myself that no matter what the outcome of the entire situation – be it tomorrow, next month, or 40 years from now – I will be ok. That’s huge for me, folks.

In other, unrelated to him news, I had a fantastic time on Saturday. I managed to hit up a couple of the museums in his downtown while he went out and did some nerdy things with some of his buddies. It was nice being able to see him that morning, spend the afternoon alone nerding out in my own way at new museums – like this awesome ASIAN ART MUSEUM, John – and then meet back up that evening for a night of debauchery when it was declared to be shot night by one of the three musketeers. Anyway, I wandered around downtown, saw some historic sights in the light of day as opposed to as I had previously at night, cruised around the museums and had a great time alone. I do like time to myself, hell I don’t think I’d travel alone as much as I have if I didn’t. And going at my pace, zooming past art I knew I wouldn’t like and then spending ten minutes analyzing the way museums manipulate their open space by staring at a blank corner. C’est moi.

I’m an odd little monkey. One that’s feeling a bit schizophrenic at the moment. But I suppose I’m a happily schizophrenic monkey.

Had an awesome weekend.

Scratch that.

It was more than awesome. It was so great that even waking up on Sunday morning with the first migraine I’ve had in over six months did nothing – NOTHING – to diminish the fact that lazying around all day and just talking about anything and everything while lolling about was one of the best Sundays I’ve had in both recent and distant memory. Read that again: even when hungover and with a piercing migraine, it was simply stupendous.

And now I’m home and my stomach is in knots.

If there’s one thing in life that I absolutely cannot stand it’s the feelings of being taken advantage of, taken for granted and being played.  In the past few days it’s really started to get pretty bad.  Unfortunately for the person who thinks they’re playing me and thinking I have no idea, they’re pretty far off base.  They’ve chosen the wrong person to manipulate and lie to because that person?  I’m pretty tight with and have been for over a decade.  That person knows more about me than pretty much any person on the face of the planet and they’ll tell me pretty much anything.  Too bad for them, they can’t see through the facade of lies that’s been thrown up in front of them by the person in question.

Oh well.

Now that I have two versions of the same story – one told to me, the other to my good friend – I have a better idea of what I’ve gotten myself into.  All I can think to say to them is be careful when building a house of cards.  Karma’s a bitch.

And with that, I’m out, yo!  One more day of work work work and then it’s one last workout at the gym, an hour of primping and then out of town for a great weekend with a bit of family and a whole lotta friends.  Er, friend.  ;)

I’ve tried finding this stuff wherever I go, but I’ve only ever been able to find it in the Czech Republic: strawberry juice.  Truly, it is the nectar of the gods.  I would be willing to give my firstborn up for a constant supply.  And it really does make for a Happy Day.