Life and Times of AlieMalie

So I was thinking about how this semester has totally kicked my ass. I have a list now, of things I really don’t need when I’m going to school full time – but then again, I had no choice in the matter of what happened to my life this semester – at least things that were out of my control:

I was trying to find exactly what it is about B’s situation that upsets me the most (aside from, of course, him dying). I finally figured it out.

I am sooo sad for his immediate family, namely M & D, and J1 and J2. M is my “Premier Jewish Mother” and I”m closest to her, but J1 and I have gotten to know each other pretty well in the past year and a half so I’m also exceptionally sad that she’ll be losing her husband. They just got married in April, damnit.

Anyway, the thing I fear the absolute most is what the kids will go through after B finally passes away. J1 is going to break down completely, I’m sure, and the kids are going to watch every minute of it. I’m so scared that after their biofather being an alcoholic and abusive and absent, they have that to contend with. Now they’ll see their mother mourning for the true love she finally found but that was so fleeting. How are these kids going to cope? Are they going to realise that it’s ok to love? That the love won’t always go away? That things aren’t always bad? Will they someday be able to fully open up to people outside of their family and be able to trust that they’ll be there in the future?

I know that I’m having these fears so much because I went through my parents’ divorce and have major relationship issues stemming from it still to this day – and I’ve had tons of therapy and I think I’m a little ahead of the curve when it comes to trying to make the best of things. But are these kids going to have this? And they not only have to deal with a divorce, but they have to deal with their biofather being an alcoholic, their step-father (the one man who has truly loved their mother) dying, and now their mother is going to sink into a very deep depression – though to be honest, she’s already there.

I just hope that they’re able to come through this eventually and take as much from it on a positive level. I know that the road is long and hard – there are no speedbumps – there are tons of mountains. I’ll try to be there for them as much as I can, I think I can help them through a lot. C will be there too, as well as the rest of the family and friends … we’ll do this as a team. These kids will be more loved than any other two I know.

So the last therapy appointment I had was almost two weeks ago – two weeks tomorrow. My therapist went on leave to have a baby which is totally fine, I can’t hold it against her, and knowing that she was really pregnant when I first met her, she told me that she’d only be around for at most six weeks. Turned out to be four. But anyway, she asked if I wanted to transfer to another therapist or if I thought I could wait out for eight weeks ’til she returned. My initial response was that I can wait, I can do this on my own, after all, I’d just started therapy again, why couldn’t I wait?

Fucking eh, A!

Of all people, I should know that once you start therapy, you can’t just stop. So I told her at my last appointment that I had thought about it, and yes, I DID want to get another therapist while she was gone. Not only that, last week on Tuesday and Wednesday my life blew up. Breakup with RK and then B getting his MRI back showing massive growth of his tumor and then being told the death is days away. It’s not like this has been a walk in the park. Oy, so last night I called the office and asked for someone to call me back because I was starting to fall to pieces. So, finally got a call back from the woman who will be my new therapist and I like her a lot – even from just the five minute conversation we had on the phone – I get a really good vibe from her. So Friday it is! Yay! I feel so relieved that I’ll be able to unload. Life really sucks sometimes but then there’s always something just around the corner to remind you it’s not really all that bad.

Spoke with RK on the phone at lunch today – such a bad idea. I needed to speak with someone about what I’m feeling with regards to B because all of the people I would normally turn to are dealing with more than I am and are in the same situation – a bit of a conundrum. So I sent RK an email, well actually, we’ve been exchanging emails about our breakup – and I asked if we could talk on the phone about B because he’s the only other person I’ve spoken with about it and I feel comfortable talking about things with him. I thought I would be able to keep my emotions about us at bay, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. As soon as I heard his voice, all of my pain came sweeping back. Bad fucking idea. Anyway, he seems to be struggling with the decision, though he’s not willing to go back on it. I know in my heart and mind that we’re not supposed to be together, there were too many issues that were too great for us to be able to work through them – I think that if he had been willing to discuss things as they came up we might have been able to make it, but it’s not in his personality to do that – and I can’t be in a relationship like that. But I still feel like there is so much love there and it’s such a waste to throw it all away. I hope he doesn’t decide to do that. But I now know that we can’t talk on the phone for a while – it hurts too much. I hate email though – you get NO emotion and things can be misinterpreted on so many levels.

I hate life sometimes.